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Brunny patrons up in arms over “totally unchill residents”

April 1st, 2011 · No Comments

Courtesy creative commons.

Courtesy creative commons.

By Zacchary K

While the often inebriated and occasionally violent behavior of  Brunswick House (481 Bloor St. W.) patrons upsets nearby residents, the bar goers say they are no strangers themselves to getting the cold shoulder from “lame-ass” locals.

From police enforcement blitzes, neighbours telling them to “shut up already,” and female-residents-crossing-the-street-and-not-answering-their-questions-but-whatever,-it’s-not-like-they-were-that-hot-anyway, Brunny regulars say they feel oppressed by  increasingly hostile neighbours who don’t like their hard partying ways.

“Come ahnnn,” said Tommy ‘The Panther’ Stevens, “come ahhnnn! Yo, what’s with these folks, making all this noise and s**t about our noise and s**t. Like they don’t know … whatever, right?”

Britney “Boobs” McGee (far right) believes that the issue leaves more questions than answers. Courtesy creative commons.

Panther-Stevens isn’t alone in his sentiment.”What?” asked/rapped fellow Brunny patron Timmy 2Gats, “This is the Brunny/ and you’re telling me that I can’t sip on my Heinies/ and holler at the honeys/ without these old-ass mummies lookin’ at me all funny? Who do you think I am? Bugs Bunny? Get sunny/ or I swear to God/ imma leave the next dummy’s nose runny.”

Overall, Brunswick fans are worried that enough public backlash could in turn lead to tighter prosecution, stricter guidelines and other totally uncool things against these super chill bros. If it comes to that, attorney, or at least law student, Patrick ‘The Suit” Donalds, said he would offer his aid to keep the establishment as is.

“Frankly I’m appalled that residents would so quickly turn on a business that has brought so much revenue to the neighbourhood. Shamelessly trying to fondle some wasted chick’s veejazzled nether regions, literally fighting over prospective one-night stands, and later puking on some stranger’s lawn are just the sort of things that make this community, this city—nay, this country—a miraculous place to live. No homo.”

Albert Dweebleman, seen here “rockin’ out” to the Black Eyed Peas "Pump It," defends Annex residents as “cool cats, and rad.”  Courtesy creative commons.

Albert Dweebleman, seen here “rockin’ out” to the Black Eyed Peas “Pump It,” defends Annex residents as “cool cats, and rad.” Courtesy creative commons.

Responding to the allegations, Brunswick Avenue property owner Albert Dweebleman said: “It’s not that we don’t like to party. I like to party. I party all the time. Party here, party there. I saw The Black Eyed Peas on their second tour so I am on ‘it.’ But this kind of partying has me worried. Since when are there things to do past 10:35?”

“Annex folk are very hip, we are cool cats, and rad,” he continued. “I cannot stress enough that we are not trying to be a ‘huge drag,’ we would simply like  these ‘dudes’ to recognize that they need to ‘chill out’ so they can be max-hip with our ‘dogs.’

Perhaps there could be some compromise, as Chad ‘Sex Armageddon’ D. suggests, “Like it’s cool if they don’t wanna be cool,” he explains, “Just don’t be callin’ me ‘hooligan’ that ain’t cool, don’t—” Chad stopped abruptly as the commercials ended and the UFC game came back on. “Yeah baby!” he said with a fist pump.

It’s a clash of two very different cultures, as concerned Annex citizens and crazy motherf****n’ party f****rs find themselves at hostile odds over the neighbourhood’s use. As we wait until the next weekend, questions still remain, as one Britney “Boobs” McGee wonders, “Heyyyy, what’s your naaaaaame? What issss iiiit? Huh? Oh, okay byeeeee.”

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